Low Demand Partnerships

When we start living a low demand life, many of us naturally turn to the other adults in our lives — especially our parenting partners — hoping they will come along with us. We imagine how much easier it would be if we were both doing this work. If they could see what we see. If they could show up for our kids the way we're learning to.

Sometimes, though, the people we love can't meet us there.

Today's post is about what happens when you're growing in low demand parenting, and your partner isn't (or can't).

When Your Partner Isn’t Fully On Board

When you’re practicing low demand parenting, but your partner isn’t fully on board — or isn’t engaging the way you hoped — it’s natural to feel stuck, frustrated, and unsure how to move forward. But the truth is: we can apply our low demand wisdom to our relationships with our partners, too.

Here are some core ideas that can help:

• Drop the demand that your partner must parent exactly the way you do.
  
  Just like with our kids, pushing harder usually leads to more resistance. When we lower the demand and release the pressure, we actually open more space for connection — and often for change.
  
  
• Listen for what’s underneath.
  
  Instead of assuming your partner is uninterested or uncommitted, stay curious. Are they feeling overwhelmed? Ashamed? Like a failure? Is the information coming too fast? Are they exhausted from work or life stress? Behaviors — even avoidance — are meaningful communication.
  
  
• Let their journey be their own.
  
  You can’t make someone else’s nervous system heal faster. You can’t control their speed of change. You can only walk your own path — with openness, love, and honesty about what you need.
  
  
• Focus on your side of the street.
  
  You are fully allowed to parent in the ways that feel right to you, even if your partner is approaching things differently. You don’t need full alignment to move forward. You need trust in your own knowing, and clarity about your own role.
  
  
• Radical acceptance often strengthens trust.
  
  When we let go of the subtle energy of “You have to change for me to be okay,” we create more safety — and more willingness — for our partners to grow.
  
  

But there are other really important questions: 

How do you practice radical acceptance in an unequal parenting partnership without losing yourself in resentment or parental burnout? 

How do you stay connected to your partner without abandoning your own needs? 

How do you protect your children when adult dysregulation enters the room?

Low Demand Doesn't Mean Allowing Harm

First and foremost: practicing low demand with your partner does not mean allowing harm — to yourself, or to your children.

Compassion does not mean martyrdom. Radical acceptance is not endless self-giving and endless accommodation. You can approach your partner with softness and empathy and firmly hold that your own well-being, and your children's emotional safety, are central, essential, and non-negotiable.

When we drop demands, we are dropping specific demands for this particular person in this particular season. We are not dropping our core, fundamental needs for safety, respect, and dignity.

State Your Needs Clearly

Sometimes the most low demand thing you can do is to state, with clarity and kindness, "This is what I need to be well."

Not "You need to change," but:

• "I need to know my child is safe during transitions."
• "I need time to restore after a meltdown, whether or not you're available."
• "I need to step away when shouting starts."
• "I need you to respect when I say 'not now.'"

We cannot force someone else to meet our needs. But we can name them out loud, first for ourselves and then for the people around us. We can stop pretending everything is okay when it isn't. We can watch and listen to how they respond to our clearly stated needs, taking that as information about how we can get our needs met, whether it is with them or not.

Protecting Your Children

If your partner is struggling with their own triggers or dysregulation, it is often your job — as the more regulated adult — to create a buffer for your children.

This might mean:

• Intervening early when you see a situation escalating.
• Stepping between your partner and your child if your child's emotional or physical safety is at risk.
• Setting limits on when and how your partner interacts with your child, if needed.
• Seeking outside help, counseling, or support when boundaries cannot be respected.

However, there is important nuance here. There are times when your partner is not parenting in the way you’d like them to, but it is also not necessarily harmful, dangerous or destructive. For example, my partner would insist that my children leave their loveys on their beds, rather than bringing those most special comfort items out of the house on adventures. He was concerned about these special loveys getting lost, knowing his own difficulty keeping track of them in public. The kids were sad, but not emotionally wounded, and while I found it annoying and triggering, it was not destructive. Giving him space to make his own decisions, witness and tend to our children’s emotions, and learn from these experiences was also an important reality. When I was always stepping in and over-riding his decisions, it was corrosive to our marriage relationship and undermined his capacity to create an independent connection with the kids.

The bottom line is this: Low demand parenting is about accepting reality and adjusting expectations — but it does not mean ignoring red flags. It does not mean sacrificing your child's safety, even emotional safety, to preserve adult comfort.

Renegotiating the Relationship

Sometimes, living a low demand life reveals deeper truths about a marriage or partnership that can't be unseen.

When one person begins practicing deep self-acceptance, and the other person clings to control, resentment, or rigidity, the distance between you can grow. You may find yourself needing to renegotiate how you share space, parenting duties, intimacy, or even whether the relationship can continue as it is.

This is not failure.

It's the result of you becoming more fully yourself, and refusing to abandon your inner truth to keep the peace.

• Asking for space. 
• Shifting the nature of your partnership. 
• Moving toward parallel parenting if full collaboration isn't possible. 

All of these are valid choices inside the low demand path.

Sometimes the hardest part of low demand living is recognizing that you cannot do your partner’s work for them. You can offer space, compassion, and clarity — but only they can choose to heal, to stretch, to grow. And sometimes they won’t. They have to do their own work, or choose not to — and your work is honoring what is true for you.

If you have a trauma history — especially attachment wounds or relational trauma — renegotiating a partnership can feel even more complicated. Trauma often teaches us to doubt our instincts, to stay quiet to avoid conflict, to cling to what feels familiar even when it hurts. Choosing a new path may stir up old fears, grief, and guilt. You may move more slowly than you expected. You may second-guess yourself. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you are healing.

Low demand living makes space for that.

You don’t have to rush clarity.

You don’t have to push yourself into decisions before you are ready.

You get to move gently, one courageous step at a time.

You Don't Have to Get It Perfect

Maybe the biggest gift of low demand living is this: you don't have to be perfect.

Not with your kids. Not with your partner. Not even with yourself.

You are allowed to be messy. You are allowed to have needs. You are allowed to draw a shaky boundary, pull it back, try again, and figure it out as you go. You are allowed to change your mind, learn from your own mistakes, and repair what was broken. 

The same compassion and flexibility that we freely offer our children can extend to ourselves. And to our partners, too.

It’s not about getting it right every time. It’s about staying in relationship — with ourselves, with our kids, with our partners — as honestly, gently, and courageously as we can. That’s what builds the trust we are all longing for. That’s how we keep moving forward, even when the way is slow, tender, and full of stops and starts.