For many families, the holiday meal is the center of the celebration. Everyone sitting around one table, dishes full of traditional foods, kids and adults sharing this one moment of connection. It’s both Norman Rockwell and a rent-free fantasy living in our brains.

But yeah - for families like ours, this idyllic freeze-frame isn’t just a long shot. For many of our kids, it feels physically impossible.

Maybe your child can’t eat any of the foods offered. Maybe they recoil from the smell of gravy or the sound of chewing. Maybe they only feel safe eating with a screen in front of them or seated away from the crowd. Maybe they run laps around the tables or only want to talk about Five Nights at Freddy’s. Maybe you’re dreading the questions, comments, and sideways glances from relatives who don’t understand your child’s needs.

You’re not alone. And you don’t have to power through or pretend everything is fine.

Let’s talk about what to do with food holidays when they just don’t fit for your kids.

Why Food Holidays Are So Hard

For many neurodivergent kids (and adults too!!), food is more than nourishment — it’s intensely sensory, emotional, social, and often dysregulating. Add in the expectations, formality, travel, and overstimulation of a holiday, and you have the perfect recipe for distress. 

And the memories of these food demands can have massive consequences. My father-in-law was forced to eat congealed gravy at his grandmother’s house as a kid, and even now, in his 70’s, he doesn’t eat gravy or anything like it. 

We are often told, directly or indirectly, that kids should just eat what’s served, sit still, and be polite, but this doesn’t reflect the reality of our kids’ nervous systems. Sensory sensitivities, ARFID, anxiety, demand avoidance, and trauma can all impact how, where, and whether a person can eat, especially in a high-pressure setting.

The good news? There are so many ways to adapt these cultural food rules with gentleness, creativity, and care. Let’s talk about it!

Practical Low Demand Strategies for the Holiday Meal

Here are real, doable ideas that prioritize your child’s (and your!) nervous system needs, while still allowing you to participate in whatever way makes sense for your family:

1. Put Their Safe Foods on the Fancy Plates

Don’t hide or minimize your child’s preferred foods. Instead, elevate them. Put the Takis in your grandmother’s crystal bowl. Serve chicken nuggets on the holiday china. Let their sandwich or crackers be part of the celebration, instead of a secret or an afterthought.

This visual inclusion says to the kid: “You matter. Your needs belong here.”

I can still see and hear my kid’s delighted squeal as he stepped up to the Thanksgiving table and saw four kids of pretzels displayed, and his proud smile as family members munched his beloved pretzels and commented on the shape they preferred. Inclusion matters.

2. Pre-Feed Before the Big Meal

If you know your child won’t want to (or be able to) eat the meal being served, feed them ahead of time. That way, they’re not hangry or distressed during the event. And if they only want dessert? That’s okay. A regulated kid who can eat something is more important than a full plate that goes untouched. 

If you know you will be anxious or fielding questions about why your kid isn’t eating in front of family members, you can communicate ahead of time that your kid won’t be eating with everyone else. A simple text can help, like, “Eating in groups is tough for [kid] right now, so we are going to make sure she’s eaten before we arrive. She’d love to try your brownies with ice cream though!” 

We often avoid communicating these awkward or uncomfortable messages in advance, but it’s worse when we stumble over our words or get defensive in front of our kids. My advice is to do the awkward thing and tell people in advance. 

3. Create Alternative Eating Spaces

Eating all together, around one table, is often a part of that Normal Rockwell fantasy in our brains. But also many families have traditions around having a “kids table” alongside the main table. We don’t only have to divide based on age. 

The beauty of disability accommodations is that they create room for everyone to explore their needs and preferences in new ways. Perhaps your kid is not the only one in the gathering who would prefer an alternative eating environment.

So instead of creating a separate “kids’ table,” try these possible eating configurations:

• The Quiet Table: A low-stimulation space for those who want to eat without talking or noise.
• The Movie Table: A cozy setup in another room with a screen playing something fun — you might be surprised who joins your child there. (Many adults are also grateful for this option!)

4. Create Alternative Gathering Moments

Instead of making the family meal the singular gathering moment, have everyone gather around:

• A Puzzle: Maybe people eat food more casually in small groups but everyone gathers at the table to work on a shared family puzzle. If you have smaller kids, they even make puzzles with a range of piece sizes that all come together in one puzzle. Search for “family time” or “together time” puzzles.
• A Family Game: Make a collaborative group game be the centerpiece of your holiday gathering instead of a meal. We’ve really enjoyed collaborative versions of the games “Wavelength” and “In a Nut Shell” lately.
• Expertise Hour: Got some people who love to info dump or have deep expertise in a specific area? Let eat person present a topic to the group
  
  

5. Honor Sensory Needs Around Smells and Sounds

Kids with misophonia or sensory sensitivities may struggle with:

• Chewing sounds
• Strong food smells
• Utensils scraping plates
• People talking with food in their mouths 

Offer noise-canceling headphones, a seat at the end of the table, or permission to eat alone. Consider prepping your loved one (and others) ahead of time with a sensory plan — and honor their choice to opt out if needed.

For some kids, eating with a screen helps regulate their nervous system. It may reduce sensory overwhelm, distract from intense smells or sounds, and support body awareness during eating. Allowing this support at the holiday table is not a failure. It’s an important sensory or nervous system accommodation. 

(This may be another important place to advocate in advance: “My kid will use headphones and their tablet at the table so they can be a part of the shared meal. This is an accommodation for their sensory needs. I would appreciate if we are all understanding of their needs.”)

What If They Don’t Eat Anything?

It’s okay.

Would you judge a child with a nut allergy for not eating the pie with walnuts in it? Of course not. It would be necessary. We’d wonder why there wasn’t a nut-free pie for them.

If we wouldn’t shame a child who physically couldn’t eat something, then we can also stop shaming kids who can’t yet eat for other reasons.

You can work on food expansion at another time when things are safe and expectations are low. The holidays are not the time for pushing. Instead, let yourself be surprised. Maybe this is the year they try a bite of mashed potatoes. Who knows? Or maybe they stick with Oreos and apple juice, and the world keeps turning.

Boundaries Are a Gift, Too

If your family members don’t understand why your child eats differently or why you’re not “making them” eat, this may be a time to pull out those needed healthy boundaries. 

In the parenting realm, I define a boundary as an aligned adult action, based on what matters most right now, that protects the relationship with the child. Boundaries are actions; they are things you do (or don’t do), things fully in your control. It’s not about asking others to do what may be hard for them, but clear communication of what you will and won’t do in light of what might be hard for them. 

If your family members have shown that they cannot tolerate screens at the table or will not be able to avoid criticizing your loved one’s food choices, you still have actions you can take, and thus boundaries you can create:

“We want to see you and spend time with you, and also I can see that trying to make the mealtime work is going to be too hard for everyone. We will arrive after the meal is over and enjoy watching the parade and playing games.”

Or if you staying with family or friends and need to dodge mealtimes, you could say,

“My kiddo and I will take a walk during the meal, but we’d love to join for dessert. Sit down meals cause them significant distress, and it’s not doable for us to push them this year.”

Other boundary-phrases that may help:

• “We’ve learned that holiday meals aren’t the time to push them to try new foods. We are working on this year-round. We will not be using any pressure this year, and if I hear any food pressure, I will step in and remind everyone of this.”

• “We’re doing what works for our family. I know that it is difficult to understand, but we are seeing progress with this approach.”

You can say more, or less, depending on what feels safe. You don’t have to explain everything to everyone. But you can model compassion, for your child, teen, or adult child, for yourself, and for the people who don’t understand yet.

The Real Holiday Magic

The holidays aren’t magical because of what’s on the table or who eats what.

They’re magical when we feel seen, included, and safe to be ourselves.

That’s what low demand parenting offers. Not a picture-perfect dinner or approximating some TV ideal, but an honest, gentle, connection-centered holiday gathering where everyone gets to belong.

So bring the fast food. Pack the snacks. Play charades. Watch a movie. Celebrate the tiny wins.

Let this be the year you let go of the pressure and lean into presence instead.