How to Collaborate with your Kids About Screens

When my kids were little, I tightly controlled their screen time. Our rules were set by me and held tightly. Two shows max, and I’d turn it off, no matter what the kids said or did, no matter how exhausted I was and ready for a longer break. And every single day, those rules were tested.

I can still see it: My kids playing happy sweaty games with neighbors, and then abandoning their game and sprinting inside chanting, “Show time! Show time!” because it was 5pm, and this was the precious time that they were allowed to watch a show while I cooked dinner.

Because screens weren’t a normal part of the day. They were scarce. They were precious. (and they were tightly controlled…by me). And that scarcity changed everything about the way my kids treated their screentime.

It made screens more powerful than anything else we had to offer. It made me the Rule Enforcer. And it made my kids — creative, thoughtful, good kids — into sneaky Rule-Breakers.

The tiny bits of screentime that I gave them made them feel like they never got enough, so any time they could, they would steal my phone to get a little bit of showtime or gaming time. They bargained for more screentime. They lied for more screentime.

And I was left wondering: Have I created monsters? And also: How do I make them stop?

The Shift That Changed Everything

What I didn’t realize at the time was this: The problem wasn’t actually the screens themselves, as much as it was the dynamic of control and scarcity I had created. 

Without really realizing it, I was operating from a “me vs. you” mindset:

You love screens (but I don’t trust screens).

I need to control this (and you need to do what I say).

And given that dynamic, there are only a few possible outcomes:

• You obey me (with resentment).
• You resist my rules (intensely!)
• You sneak screens (because of shame).

None of those outcomes build the skills our kids actually need. And none of them led to a relationship of trusting connection, which is the bedrock of healthy attachment and healthy growth.

Because the long game we’re working toward isn’t: “Can I control my child’s screen use today?”

The long game is actually: “Can my child learn how to navigate screens in a healthy way for the rest of their life?”

It took the shattering reality of autistic burnout for me to let go of my strangle-hold on my kids’ screentime and to truly see the long-view on screens. Eventually, I understood that being rigidly controlled doesn’t teach them to navigate screens in a healthy way.

But collaboration does.

What Is a Collaborative Approach to Screen Time?

A collaborative approach means we move from: “I set the rules, you follow them” to 👉 “We figure this out together.”

I’m not saying that I don’t give them any guidance or that I don’t have any needs, preferences, or opinions. I totally do! It doesn’t mean “anything goes,” or passivity, or stepping back entirely.

It means shifting the parental role from rule enforcer to trusted partner.

This approach is deeply aligned with the work of Ross Greene and the model of Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS), which is built on one foundational idea: “Kids do well if they can.” CPS is where I learned all my core skills in collaboration with my kids. I have rarely been able to use the standards scripts written in Dr. Greene’s book “The Explosive Child,” but Collaborative and Proactive Solutions is much more than a set of scripts. It’s an entire approach to listening and respecting a child’s point of view, trusting them as a conversation partner, using their ideas, being open to being wrong (as the adult), and being clear on what truly matters to me and what doesn’t.

The number one thing that adults have to release in collaboration is the power posture of “I know best.” We let go of our power OVER our kids in order to find the better, truer source of power - the power to work WITH them to achieve more in partnership than we ever could on our own.

And I am sharing this as a parent to 3 neurodivergent kids with strong opinions about screens (including 2 PDAers)! So yes, collaboration is always possible, no matter what neurotype, communication skills, or nervous system disabilities you are working with.

Step 1: Move from rules to shared values

Traditional screen rules sound like:

• “You get two hours and that’s it.”
• “No screens after dinner.”
• “No, you can’t play it. That game is not allowed.”

These types of screen rules are simple, clear, enforceable and unilateral. The adult decides and the child obeys. But…they are often a source of constant conflict in the home because they don’t answer the deeper question: Why does this matter?

When we shift to collaboration, we start there. We start by naming what matters with honesty and transparency with our kids.

Instead of saying, “Our house rule is, ‘No screens after 8.’

We say: “Sleep is really important in our family because it helps us stay regulated and have energy to do the things we love. I’ve noticed bedtime has been getting later, and I’m concerned about how that’s affecting your body. Can we figure out how to protect your sleep together?”

Now we’re not arguing about screens. We’re talking together about shared values. And values can be explored, questioned, tested, and understood. Even if your child says: “I don’t care about sleep,” that’s not the end of the conversation.

You might say: “That’s interesting. I get that sleep might not feel as important to you as it feels to me. Perhaps you don’t need as much sleep as I thought you did. Everyone’s sleep needs and body clock are individual to them. What would you think about tracking how you feel with different amounts of sleep and see what we notice?”

Now you’re not enforcing. You’re figuring it out together.

Step 2: Replace “yes or no” with “let’s try it”

One of the most powerful shifts you can make is this: Shift from making rules to running experiments.

Instead of: “No, you can’t play that game,” try:

“I hear how excited you are about that game. I do have some concerns — especially about how it might affect your mood or your spending. Would you be open to trying it for [an hour/a few days] and seeing how it goes?”

This is straight out of CPS thinking, where the method teaches adults to:

• Define their concerns practically
• Invite the child’s perspective
• Collaborate on a solution that satisfies everyone

You’re saying: “I trust you enough to try, AND I trust us to figure it out together.”

In a collaborative approach, we’re building something far more important than simple obedience and compliance. We’re building communication skills, self-awareness, reflectio, and decision-making skills

Because ultimately, you don’t want your child to blindly follow rules set by people with more power than them. (Which can be deeply dangerous to them personally and to our society collectively). You want them to be able to listen to others with curiosity and respect, honor their lived experiences and intuition, and work creatively to get everyone’s needs met. This is the skillset that collaboration builds. First, we model it. Soon enough, they are using these techniques on us!!

Step 3: Get curious about what’s actually hard for your specific kid(s)

Let’s say your child “can’t stop playing Fortnite.” That’s the surface-level behavior we see. But underneath it, there are layers of challenges:

• They’re in the middle of a match when you suddenly tell them it’s time for bed.
• They don’t have a good sense of time passing.
• They’re playing with a friend who has a different bedtime and don’t know how to tell them that they’re getting tired.
• They don’t know how to exit a conversation gracefully
• They’re worried about letting a friend down.
• Transitions are hard for their nervous system.
• Bedtime means brushing teeth and showering, which are both overwhelming for their sensory system.

So, understandably, when we walk in the room and say, “Turn it off now,” they explode at us. We might be tempted to put all the blame on “screens,” or “video games,” or “addiction,” or Fortnite. Because we missed all of the layers of specific challenges that our kid is facing.

But when we slow down, pay attention, and get curious about the layers of challenges for our kid, we can ask:

• “What was happening in the game when I asked you to stop?”
• “Was it a hard moment to leave?”
• “What makes leaving feel hard?”
• And perhaps “how can I help make it easier next time?”

This is the “unsolved problem” lens from CPS, which is where we shift from looking at “bad behaviors” and instead ask, “What was too hard for them in that moment?” Whatever was too hard is our “unsolved problem.” In this case, it’s “getting off Fortnite while playing with Michael before bed.” It’s specific. It’s concrete. We stop assuming defiance and rudeness and addiction lie at the root of all our kids’ difficult behaviors, and start curiously investigating their difficulty.

And once we understand the problems they are facing, we can work toward solving it together.

Step 4: Connection is the real safety tool

We’ve been told that safety comes from filters, limits, and parental control. And yes, those tools can sometimes help. But they are not the foundation of safety for our kids. The real foundation is connection.

Because here’s what actually happens in rule-heavy environments: A child sees something upsetting. Maybe they hear a word they don’t understand or witness an interaction that felt off.

And their first thought is: “Am I going to get in trouble?”

So they hide it. And that’s where the real danger lives.

Not in what they saw — but in the isolation that follows. In a collaborative, shame-free environment, something different happens: They come to you and say: “I saw something weird. I didn’t understand it. What does that mean? Why are people laughing at this?”

And then, you get to be their interpreter, guide, and safe place. You can share your values and help them understand what to do the next time. Connection with you is more protective than any filter, and shame is more corrosive than any content.

The long-term impact

When we started this shift, my kids were young, roughly 4 to 8 years old. The collaborative approach that we practiced every day around screens became the blueprint for everything else we’ve figured out since then. We’ve figured out how to have playdates and attention learning environments. We’ve navigated conflicting sensory needs and healed trauma wounds.

As my grow older, those same skills show up in their:

• peer relationships
• capacity for sibling repair
• independence and autonomy
• decision-making in high-stakes situations
• self-trust and ability to listen to their intuition

We didn’t just change screen time. We changed how we relate to each other and how we can collaborate on challenges big and small. So if you’re asking: “What screen rules should I use?” I want to gently offer a different question: “What kind of relationship do I want to build?”

Because that relationship is the foundation for everything else.