Low Demand Sleep: Bedtime, Screens, and Letting Sleep Unfold

If bedtime feels like the worst part of your day, you’re not alone. For many of us, it’s the most exhausting, chaotic, and demoralizing stretch of parenting. The house is loud and messy. Everyone is dysregulated. And the pressure to get kids to sleep—on time, without screens, ideally after brushing their teeth and taking a bath—can feel crushing.

Low demand parenting invites us to reimagine bedtime not as a series of battles, but as a co-regulated, supported, flexible transition into rest. But how does that actually work? Especially when your kid stays up until 2am watching Minecraft videos?

Let’s break it down.

Sleep Is Hard for Neurodivergent Brains

There’s robust research showing that sleep challenges are extremely common among autistic and otherwise neurodivergent children. Studies suggest that between 50–80% of autistic children experience significant sleep difficulties, including delayed sleep onset, night wakings, and short total sleep duration.¹ Many also struggle with circadian rhythm dysregulation, meaning their bodies literally don’t wind down on the same schedule as their peers.² Add in sensory sensitivities, anxiety, low interoceptive awareness (trouble sensing internal states), and the demand sensitivity of PDA—and sleep becomes a multi-layered challenge. It’s not that you’re doing it wrong. It’s that this is actually just hard. And some hard things may never get “solved” in a tidy way. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means your child’s brain needs compassion, not control.

Why Forcing Sleep Doesn’t Work

Trying to make a child sleep is like trying to make yourself fall asleep when you’re anxious, overstimulated, or dysregulated. It just doesn’t work. And pressure makes it worse.

For PDA kids especially, bedtime is packed with internal and external demands:

• The expectation to brush teeth and change clothes
  
  
• The demand to stop doing something enjoyable
  
  
• The internal sense of fatigue (which feels scary and out of control)
  
  
• The fear of missing out or losing autonomy
  
  

Each of these can activate the nervous system, leading to fight, flight, freeze—or the infamous 10pm dance party.

Screens and Sleep: What Does the Research Say?

There’s a lot of fear around screens and sleep. There was a lot of early research in the 2010’s related to the impact of screens on sleep. Much of this research was based on the “bright light hypothesis,” and a negative bias toward video games. This research seemed to show that screen use close to bedtime can mildly disrupt circadian rhythms and delay melatonin production; however, the maximum effect that was ever shown was less than a 10 minute delay in sleep onset when using screens right before bed. 

10 minutes may be scientifically- and statistically-significant, but it’s also not much. Researchers in a 2024 analysis of over a decade of sleep research notes how these early studies have been massively over-used and have skewed the public-health understanding of the relationship of screen use and sleep. “The conclusion has often been that bright light may be the leading cause explaining technology's effect on sleep… and has likely been amplified on social media by thousands of ‘coaches’ who prospered since the world became more digital as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic.” 

Many people still hold black-and-white ideas about screens and sleep. Ideas like, “Screens are bad for sleep.” “I’d sleep better without a screen in the room.” “I’ve gotta get my kid off screens or they’ll never sleep.” 

Even without taking neurodivergence, trauma, and acute autonomy needs into consideration, these researchers recommend a much more nuanced approach to screen-use before bed for kids, adolescents, and adults based on harm-reduction, not black-and-white rules and restrictions.

What do they actually find scientifically?

• There is nearly zero negative impact of watching a show before bed, whether that show is on Netflix, Youtube, or any other streaming service. Even with cliff-hangers and “watch this next” in the equation, there is no evidence that watching shows to fall asleep has a negative impact on sleep quality or amount of sleep. These researchers advocate thinking about watching a show to fall asleep as a “sleep-onset aid,” rather than a hindrance to sleep.
• Blue-light or bright-light theories have been debunked, finding that light from screens does not meaningfully impact the quality or duration of sleep.
• Content matters less than the public believes. Even highly arousing content like playing violent video games immediately before sleep has little impact on sleep quality or duration. And particularly for a person who regularly plays these games and finds them enjoyable, they can improve sleep quality by introducing a soothing and familiar element to the bedtime experience.
• They theorize that families who take a “zero tolerance” policy and attempt to completely remove screens from the bedroom introduce more stress to the bedtime experience,  increasing arousal and stress hormones, and increasing likelihood of insomnia and delayed bedtimes.

But even with this needed nuance, here’s what most of those studies miss: the context of safety, regulation, and neurodivergence.

For autistic and PDA children, screen time often reduces stress. It can provide a sense of control, predictability, and sensory regulation. In many homes (including mine), screens are the only way a child can fall asleep. They become a bridge into rest, not a barrier.

In one 2021 study, researchers found that the screen use before bed shifts from a negative barrier to a helpful sleep aid when screen time is used in a calming, controlled way—rather than chaotic or overstimulating. And what qualifies as calming varies by kid! A Minecraft tutorial might be soothing to one child and completely overwhelming to another. Playing games right up until laying down may be a soothing entry into sleep for one teen, and a source of anxiety and OCD compulsions for another.

Rather than focusing on the externals – what time is lights-out, what shows they watch, what rules we enforce – research shows that fostering autonomy and self-compassion, along with a vibrant curiosity through self-discovery, are the best tools for navigating screen-use before bed. In simpler terms, kids sleep better when parents stop telling them what they need to do to sleep well,  and shift towards a curious and collaborative approach to helping them discover what they need in order to sleep well. Even young children can participate in a collaborative approach.

A Low Demand Approach to Bedtime

Here are some practical ways to reduce bedtime demands and create a sleep-supportive environment:

1. Drop the non-essentials.

If your child is melting down at the thought of brushing teeth or putting on pajamas, it’s okay to let it go—especially during a tough season. There are other ways to care for teeth. Pajamas aren’t essential for sleep.

2. Build in comfort rituals.

What helps you wind down? What helps them? A warm drink, a soft light, a heavy blanket, a familiar video? These things matter. Build routines around comfort and connection, not rules.

3. Use screens strategically.

Screens aren’t the enemy. Try:

• Letting your child choose their last video to give them a sense of control
  
  
• Noticing what kinds of content help them feel more calm (nature videos? YouTube essays?)
  
  
• Setting a gentle cue: “This will be the last one before we switch to just cuddles.”
  
  If your child needs the screen to fall asleep, consider letting them keep it on—but shifting to dimmer settings, longer-form quiet content, or even sleep meditations.
  

4. Focus on rhythm, not timing.

Instead of aiming for an arbitrary bedtime, focus on a rhythm that works for your child’s body. Some kids sleep better from 11pm–9am. Others nap in the day and rest at odd hours. The goal is not conformity—it’s rest.

5. Co-sleeping is allowed.

If sharing a bed or room is the only way your child can fall asleep safely and peacefully, that’s valid. We’ve been conditioned to believe that independence is the goal, but for many kids, connection is what leads to rest.

What About My Sleep?

Your sleep matters too. You’re not a robot. You’re a human being with a body that needs rest. And when your child’s sleep is unpredictable or nonexistent, your exhaustion can become the hidden crisis in the house. But here’s the key: prioritizing your sleep doesn’t have to mean forcing your child to fall asleep before they’re ready.

Here are some ways parents have gotten their sleep needs met without demanding their kids go to bed:

• Shift your own bedtime — If your kid stays up late but sleeps in, can you sleep in too? Even just an extra 30 minutes of morning rest can make a difference.
  
  
• Create a “quiet but awake” nighttime routine — Let your child play or watch calm videos near you with headphones while you fall asleep on the couch or in bed beside them.
  
  
• Use visual timers or story playlists — Let the end of a playlist signal their solo quiet time while you step away to rest, no battles required.
  
  
• Try alternating shifts with a partner — Even if it’s just one night “off,” sleeping in a separate room while your partner handles late-night needs can be incredibly restorative.
  
  
• Lean on support networks — Can a grandparent, neighbor, or friend take the early morning shift once a week so you can sleep in with earplugs?
  
  
• Use co-regulation differently — If your kiddo needs your presence to wind down, lie in bed with them while playing white noise or meditating—for your own regulation as much as theirs.
  
  
• Let go of perfection — Some kids fall asleep with lights on, screens nearby, and noise in the background. If it works, it works.
  
  

There’s no shame in needing sleep. You don’t need to be a nighttime martyr to be a good parent. And you’re allowed to get creative about how you meet your needs without making it your kid’s job to fix your sleep deprivation.

What If They Never Sleep?

It’s easy to spiral. To think, “If I let go of bedtime routines, they’ll never sleep again.” But the truth is: sleep is a biological need. When a child feels safe, supported, and not pressured, their body will sleep.

Instead of building your evening around sleep enforcement, build it around connection and care. Instead of saying, “You need to go to bed,” try saying, “I’m going to start winding down now. Want to come sit with me?”

Final Thoughts: You’re Not Failing

If your kid is watching videos at midnight, if they’ve skipped brushing teeth for a week, if you’re co-sleeping every night and still waking up with someone’s foot in your ribcage—you’re not failing.

You’re navigating a high-support need with compassion and creativity.

You’re showing up.

And in this house, that’s more than enough.

References:

1. Carmassi, C., et al. (2019). Systematic review of sleep disturbances in children and adolescents with autism spectrum disorder. Current Psychiatry Reports, 21(5), 29.
   
2. Tordjman, S., et al. (2013). Sleep in children with autism spectrum disorders: A review of literature. Sleep Medicine Reviews, 17(3), 181–192.
3. Bauducco, S., et al (2024) A bidirectional model of sleep and technology use: A theoretical review of How much, for whom, and which mechanisms. Sleep Medicine Reviews, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.smrv.2024.101933