What to Do In A Public Meltdown

The first hit always stuns me.

Not just physically — though sometimes it hurts — but emotionally, too. One moment I’m holding a grocery bag, car keys tangled around my wrist, trying to get everyone loaded. The next moment, my child’s body explodes. A slap, a scream, a sibling yelling in the backseat. I freeze.

The cart is full of frozen food. The popsicles are already starting to sweat. The parking lot is loud, exposed. I can feel eyes on us. My heart is pounding.

And all I want is for this not to be happening.

But it is.

This is the moment so many parents ask me about — not the gentle lead-in to dysregulation, but the peak. The spiral. The moment it’s already too late for prevention. What do we do then?

Let’s talk about what actually helps when the moment is already too hard.

Step One: Triage — What Actually Matters Most?

There’s a moment in every meltdown where your nervous system screams, Fix it! Fix it now! And we go into damage control mode — trying to push the child into the car, save the popsicles from melting, protect the sibling, preserve our dignity, and somehow keep ourselves from falling apart.

But you can’t do everything.

Triage means stepping back to ask: What actually matters most right now?

Not in general. Not in theory. In this exact moment.

Sometimes that means sacrificing the frozen groceries. Or the plan for the afternoon. Or the story you were telling yourself about how this day would go.

Here’s what’s real: your kid is melting down in the parking lot, hitting and screaming, and you’re trying to get them into the car before your popsicles thaw. You have a cart full of groceries. The chicken is in there. The expensive popsicles are in there.  You need to get home and get it all put away ASAP. .

But your child is telling you — through every word and every swing of their arm — they can’t get in the car right now. This is simply too hard.

So you let it go.

You triage.

You sacrifice the popsicles to save the relationship.

Deescalation Means Dropping the Demand

Let’s be clear: your child isn’t doing this to you. They’re overwhelmed. Something was too hard.

So instead of pushing them harder, you drop the demand. You step back. You loosen your grip on what “has to” happen — even if that feels scary or irrational in the moment.

Because the truth is, you’re already past the point of logic.

Your child is in fight-or-flight. Maybe so are you. So you look around and ask: What demand can I release right now to help us step out of the disaster zone?

Can we wait in the parking lot? Sit on the curb for a few minutes? Let go of the agenda?

Let’s be honest. When you’re already in a meltdown, there’s no good options left. You’ve got bad and you’ve got even worse. You’re not fixing everything. You’re not enforcing anything. You’re not teaching anything. You’re looking for bad options — which is better than sticking with worse ones.

Co-Regulation Starts With You

Once you’ve dropped the demand, the next step is to regulate your own body. I don’t mean fake calm. I mean finding a tiny thread of okay-ness you can hold onto — even if everything feels chaotic.

Co-regulation isn’t a trick or a performance. It’s your nervous system saying, We can come down now. I’m safe. You’re safe. We’re okay.

Here’s what that might look like:

• Wiggling your toes to stay connected to your body
  
  
• Saying, I can trust this or I’m okay right now
  
  
• Naming five things you see around you
  
  
• Putting a hand on your heart or belly
  
  
• Letting your shoulders drop just an inch
  
  

When you come home to yourself, even a little, your child feels it. Your regulated brain offers their dysregulated brain something to borrow.

You don’t need to be a guru. You don’t need to “stay calm” in a saintly way. You just need to be present enough to stop the spiral — in yourself and in them.

You’re Allowed to Choose the Least-Worst Option

One of the most damaging myths in parenting is that there’s always a “right” answer.

There isn’t. Not in these moments.

Sometimes you’re choosing between your kid riding in the front seat without a seatbelt… or forcing them to ride in the back, kicking and hitting their sibling and you while you attempt to drive. Sometimes you’re deciding whether to abandon the loaded grocery cart or risk your child running off in a busy parking lot.

You are allowed to choose the least-worst option.

You are allowed to make the safest decision in an unsafe-feeling moment.

You are allowed to trust yourself — even when none of the options feel good.

Final Thoughts: This Isn’t About Doing It Right

Even when you’re in the car with groceries rapidly melting, a kid melting down, and your own nervous system unraveling… you’re not failing.

You’re parenting through survival. And there’s no perfect script for that.

Sometimes the only goal is: Get home safe. Regroup. Repair.

Sometimes the win is: No one got hurt.

Sometimes success is: You made it through.

So please hear me when I say — you’re not doing it wrong because it’s hard. You’re not failing because you didn’t say the perfect thing. You’re doing brave, courageous, impossibly complex work. Right here. Right now.

You are not alone. You are allowed to pause, to breathe, to choose the popsicles melting over the relationship breaking. You are allowed to take care of yourself, so you can show up for them.