Most of us adults were raised with high-expectations-parenting. We were raised with the belief that success matters most, that everyone should push themselves as hard as they can and achieve the most they can. We were raised to hustle to prove our worth. We were raised with the belief that kids' needs and preferences don’t matter as much as adults’ needs and preferences. 

Here’s what adults wanted you to be: Reliable, quiet, obedient, committed, successful, hard-working. 

Our childhood was chock-full of life lessons like “We don’t quit.” Or “Your team needs you.” If you struggled with a commitment, you likely heard, “We paid for this, and we need to get our money’s worth,” or “You need this on your resume to get into college.”

Sadly, there were a lot of things we did not learn. We did not learn to check in with ourselves and ask, “How am I feeling about this?” Or “Is being successful in this worth the cost to me?” We did not learn to value our needs and our lived experience, even as children, and to self-advocate to make a situation truly work for us. 

We make good hustlers, but we have a hard time slowing down — and even more importantly, we have a hard time letting our kids slow down. 

Childhood burnout comes from “too much for too long,” so our big healing move is to help our struggling kids to do less. Once full-blown, intense burnout is upon us, we have no other choice but to do less. But when we are early on, when burnout threatens but hasn’t crashed down fully yet, we can make some significant changes to prevent or lessen the pain of childhood burnout. We really can change everything with the power of “do less.”

How to help them do less

Our kids need our help to do less. They are screaming “Help me!” because they don’t know how to slow down, how to let go, how to rest and heal. So it’s our job to help them learn this necessary life skill because they are hovering on the edge of burnout. Admittedly, it’s hard to teach things to our kids that we were never taught ourselves. It’s especially hard when our larger parenting culture seems obsessed with “Do more! Do more!”

So here are some concrete steps for doing less:

1. Listen to what they are complaining about the most.

In pre-burnout, our kids are often telling us loudly and often about the things that are bothering them. You might hear these complaints every day. But you’ve been told that good parenting means tuning out your kids whining and complaining and helping them do the thing anyway.

I invite you to do something different: I invite you to listen.

The next time they say that dinner is yucky and they are too tired to sit at the table, I invite you to wonder if they really could eat on the couch while watching a show. The next time they complain that math homework is killing them, I invite you to consider asking their teacher for less or taking that step toward getting an IEP or school-based accommodations. When they say that taking the dog for a walk every night is hurting their feet and they’re just too tired to do it tonight, you are allowed to say, “Ok, you don’t have to.” When they have a meltdown over practicing piano, again, you can ask them if they’d like to stop lessons for a while. 

What I now know—having watched my kid tip over the edge into full burnout— is that if I could go back and make these kinds of shifts in our daily life and prevent the whole-sale slide into full-blown burnout, I would in a heartbeat. And every other burnout-parent I know would do the same. 

I want to go back in time and beg myself to let my son eat on the couch. I would beg me to give him a night off from brushing his teeth, to let up on daily routines and chores, to give him a day off from school that final day when he pleaded with me not to make him go. Even writing you these words makes my eyes fill with tears. 

Do it now. Let them do less. It doesn’t matter as much as it seems, and once full burnout starts, nothing is doable anymore anyway.

Here are some phrases you get to add to your vocabulary:

“Ok, you don’t have to.”

“Only do it if you want. I’m OK either way.”

“I can do it for you.”

“I’ve got it, no worries.”

“Why don’t you take the day off from that?”

“It’s totally ok to need help.”

“Everyone gets tired sometimes.”

2. Match your expectations to their capacity on their worst day.

Imagine the worst day your kid has had in awhile. What was hard for them that day? When did they complain, dawdle, cry, shut down, or refuse? Write down all the things that fall into that category, and then imagine crossing those things off of their imaginary daily To-Do List. What would it look like if you didn’t expect them to do those things (or didn’t expect them to do them without help — we will talk about adding help next).

A magical thing happens when we match our expectations to our child’s capacity on their worst day. We gift them the ability to surprise and impress us. The truth is that kids love to please their grown-ups. Neuroscientists and child development experts Dr. Ross Greene and Alfie Kohn have studied and written extensively about kids’ innate urge to please their parents and caregivers. 

We parents miss this truth all the time. We assume that our kids are trying to get off with doing the least possible. We are told that they are always pushing the boundaries to see how far we’ll let them go, and that only the fear of punishment or the promise of reward will motivate them to do the right thing and meet our expectations.

But we couldn’t be more wrong. The fastest thing to deplete a child’s motivation is to assume they don’t want to do it in the first place. The worst thing to do for intrinsic motivation is to pile on external rewards and punishments. 

When we match our expectations to their best day (not what I am recommending here but what you were probably often taught to do), then they are always having to let us down. That sucks. It depletes a child’s energy, saps their self-confidence, and puts a heavy strain on our relationship. It feels to a kid like contingent-love.

When you take out the trash every Tuesday, then I am pleased with you. But when you don’t, I’m disappointed in you.

When you sit at the table and eat whatever I serve you, I love and treasure you. When you don’t, I am annoyed and angry with you.

When we match our expectations to their capacity on their worst day, we say, “When you’re struggling the most, you’re still OK with me.” We say, “I know how hard you’re working to please me, and I love you just the way you are.” They can always do more, and when they do, we will be delighted. (Imagine looking at your child with genuine delight in your eyes. Isn’t it marvelous? Imagine how amazing they would feel seeing that sparkle of true pleasure in your eyes.)

3. When something is hard, step in and help.

This season is not the time to be teaching them life lessons about how to stretch themselves and build frustration tolerance. It’s really not a skill-building era at all. It is a rest and heal era. It is an “It’s OK to need help” era.

So here are some of my favorite ways to step in and help a struggling kid:

• Add humor - Pretend to fall doing a task that they are trying to do (imagine you’re a slapstick comedian), or act like it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done (in a fun way), pretend to know a lot about pop culture when you totally don’t, tell a knock-knock joke, boast about how cool you are in an un-cool way. An eye roll may go along with a smile—WIN!
• Do it together - This is such an underrated type of help. Instead of asking them to go to their room to get their sweatshirt they forgot, go get it together. When they’re supposed to go brush their teeth, grab your tooth brush too.
• Make the ask smaller - Instead of saying, “It’s time to do your homework,” and expecting them to do it all on their own, ask which homework assignment they’d like to do first and how long they want to work before taking a break (maybe even encourage them to choose a shorter amount of time than they initially say!). Help them set a timer and then to choose a fun activity to do during their break time.
• Do a piece for them - If they need to fill their water bottle and put it in their backpack, go get the water bottle and the backpack and have them fill it up. It’s amazing how helpful it is to feel like you’re a part of a team completing a task, rather than struggling through all on your own.
• Make it more fun - Instead of a timer, put on their favorite song. Bring their imagination in and pretend to be a character from their favorite show or video game. 
• Drop the time pressure - Let go of using timers, urgency, and rushing to get things done. Imagine keeping a steady, even, slow pace at all times, exuding a spirit of “no hurry! Take your time!” See if that helps your struggling kid.

Look for signs of relief.

When we first stop pushing our kids harder and lean into accommodations and support, the dominant first emotion our kids feel is relief. Their shoulders will visibly drop when you say, “It’s OK. You can take the day off.” Or when you’re the one to bring up the possibility of quitting the team or the lessons or staying home from that birthday party. 

They sag with exhaustion and relief. 

Next, they may even begin to express to you how hard they’ve been working and how scared they were to tell you that they’re exhausted and can’t do it anymore. “I thought you were going to be mad at me!” they’ll say. You will want to laugh and say, “Of course I wouldn’t be mad!!” But you also know that a part of you would be, and a part of you is kind of mad. This is hard, all of this “letting things go,” and “giving help.” It’s hard to rethink the parenting values you’ve always held. It’s hard to see your child suffer. It’s scary to be afraid that you’re doing the wrong thing or that it’s not enough. So in your heart of hearts, you know they’re onto something.

So you don’t laugh or deny it. You nod. 

“Yeah, I can see that. I get why you’d think I would get mad. I’ve probably gotten mad about that stuff in the past!” (Here you’ll both laugh because it’s true—and that’s both funny and awkward.) “But I’m learning that it’s ok to let things go and to get help. And more than anything, it’s ok to be exhausted and to slow things down. It’s good for me to slow down too.” (Another giggle and a knowing nod, yup).

By this point they are bored with the conversation and want to get back to something fun. But I want you to stop and pay attention in this moment. This is the moment you begin to notice that pre-burnout is easing.

Changes in you

You’ll know this high-risk-for-burnout season is shifting mainly by the changes inside of you— though your child or teen will certainly show signs of stability and renewed energy too.

• When your kid stops their foot and says, “No!”, you wonder what is too hard for them today (instead of fussing at them for being rude).
• You know how to read your unique kid’s body signals and can detect early signs of stress.
• You celebrate small wins, like a kid who raises their fist to punch but says, “I want to punch you!” instead!
• You enjoy seeing them rest, rather than thinking they’re being lazy or that you’re being too permissive.
• You double check to be sure they really do want to do something before committing to it.
• You genuinely aren’t mad or sad when they opt-out because you’re grateful they know what they need and aren’t afraid to tell you.