What Does “Pre-Burnout” Look Like?

Most parents I talk to, with the privilege of hindsight, can name small signs and signals that burnout was coming. There were warning signs, but we are not trained to see them as such. Modern parenting culture is a large contributor to the reality of burnout, because if we were given different tools earlier on, we would be able to prevent burnout in some cases. 

Sadly not all. Even parents who have gone through burnout with one kid and changed everything about their lives can still have another kid go through burnout. So this noticing the pre-burnout phase isn’t to say that every case is preventable. Or that it’s your fault for not preventing it. 

It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. (I can keep saying it!).)

In pre-burnout, burnout is still reversible. I have known many families make significant changes in this pre-burnout moment, and leave the burnout cycle completely. And if you are reading this thinking your kid might be in pre-burnout, I am dancing in the street and celebrating with you– because it is hopefully not too late to change this path for your child. 

There does become a “point of no return” with burnout. Once a kid crosses a certain threshold, it’s difficult to do anything but go all the way through the burnout tunnel. You have to go through all the phases and do a full reset on healing, which takes 6 months to 2 years. There are very few short-cuts, and very few kids who heal quickly, in a matter of days or weeks. 

Which is a hard truth to share, but it is true nonetheless. 

What is pre-burnout? The “Help Me” phase

Kids in this phase of pre-burnout still trust their parents to help. They are crying out for help in every way their brains and bodies know to do. Their behaviors are often pointed at their parents, asking for a release of expectations (“I hate school! Why won’t you let me stay home?”), and a season of rest (“Leave me alone for 5 seconds!”) and recovery (“I’m too tired to go to grandma’s. Why can’t I stay home?”). 

Identifying that they are heading quickly toward burnout can absolutely save them from a full breakdown to come. They need a substantial level of tender care, a release of expectations, slowing down, deep support, and soul rest. 

If you step in now, you can do wonders for your kid’s overall thriving and your relationship with them.

 Let’s talk about the classic markers that your child or teen is heading toward burnout, the key moves and actions that you can take as their parent or caregiver to heal what has been broken, and the signs that pre-burnout is easing.

Classic markers of pre-burnout

In pre-burnout, indicators are popping up in various places, but families often struggle to put the clues together for the overall picture:

1. Basic needs are harder to access. 
• Food and eating: Restricting or controlling foods, challenges at mealtimes, stomach aches, nausea, vomiting, decreased or increased appetite.
• Sleep: Bedtime may become a tense time when kids pour out their anxieties about the day; even older kids may start wanting long bedtimes or struggle to fall asleep on their own; nightmares and night waking start cropping up.
• Self-care tasks: Ordinary routines like showering or bathing, brushing teeth, hair cuts and hair washing can become a battleground. Every step is difficult, and it feels like the challenges are only accelerating, even though you’re trying to help.
2. School exhausts them and becomes a battleground. 
• Morning routines are increasingly difficult and stressful.
• Your kid fights at drop-off and doesn’t want you to leave (younger kids will cry and cling to you, older kids will have panic attacks, stomach aches, and fear).
• Your kid starts crying or screaming as soon as the school day is over, even though the teacher said they had a good day.
• They need hours after school alone in their room to recuperate.
• It takes all weekend to recover and get ready for school again Monday.
3. Their world starts shrinking.
• Fewer people feel safe. They pull away from community and friends or begin to prefer only one parent, shutting other caregivers out.
• Extra activities, family gatherings, and weekend events feel harder and harder.
4. You kid develops a “Jekyll -and-Hyde” personality. 
• They turn on a dime, from happy to furious; from disconnected to sobbing.
• You never know what version of your kid you will get, and the person you’re experiencing at home looks so different from the way they appear at school or sports practices.
• You start to doubt your own perception, as people say, “Well they don’t do that for me!” Or “sounds like a home problem.” 

Why “Help Me”?

Many families interpret their kid’s behaviors in this phase as “testing” or “disobedience,” and thus they respond with more rigid rules and forced compliance. Or they might see these struggles through the lens of mental health struggles and then push for increasing therapies and interventions. 

Seeing this as a “Help Me” phase enables us to hear a deeper cry for help and support from our kids. In the lead up to burnout, kids feel increasingly overwhelmed, but they don’t know where to turn. They push themselves harder to keep up with expectations, often internalizing messages like, “I have to keep going. I’m not allowed to quit,” and blaming themselves for being “stupid,” “weak,” “lazy,” or “bad.” 

The “Jekyll-and-Hyde” phenomenon shows up when they cannot sustain the effort to be nice everywhere, so they let down the mask at home. The harder they try in public, the worse the exhaustion and overwhelm becomes in private.