Why Won’t They Eat Anything?

If you’ve got a child who barely eats, only eats sugar, or has a tiny menu of three crunchy snacks and one brand of nuggets—you are not alone.

I have a child who only eats ice cream. Another child’s diet is half Nutella. I mean that literally. So when I tell you I understand, I mean it from the inside. I know the panic, the bargaining, the deep fear that you’re failing in your most basic duty as a parent: to feed your child.

Let’s start by naming this for what it is: a survival-level stress. And that stress often activates our own nervous system threat response. Which means we may come at food issues with panic, shame, control, or power struggles.

So what do we do instead?

Start with the Nervous System Lens

For many children, especially PDAers, eating isn’t just about taste or preference—it’s about nervous system overwhelm. Hunger itself can feel like a demand. A rising internal need that triggers panic.

• Interoception (how we sense body signals) is often out of sync. Many neurodivergent kids can’t feel hunger until it’s urgent, and by then the demand is huge and dysregulating.
• Internal demands can be just as triggering as external ones. Even a body saying “feed me” can send them into a fight/freeze/fawn response.
• So eating often involves competing survival instincts: one part of the brain says “I need food,” the other says, “This is a threat.” 

Next, Shift to the Low Demand Lens

In low demand, we always start by asking what matters most. If food is your top priority right now, state that clearly, to all of the adults in your orbit: Food is the top priority. Then drop as many other demands as you possibly can.

This includes the subtle ones:

• Expecting them to sit at the table
• Expecting them to say thank you
• Expecting them to help you clean up
• Expecting them to say what they want to eat
• Expecting them to eat what everyone else eats
• Expecting them to use the “right” utensils
• Expecting them to wait for certain times to eat

Even talking about food can be a demand. So if you’re still asking, reminding, or even lightly nudging, see if you can back off even further.

And then—let’s challenge some assumptions.

Be wary of the “fake drop”

This is when you stop enforcing a demand—but your body still communicates that you expect it. Kids feel that. True low demand parenting means releasing the emotional weight of the expectation too. If you’re offering food but feel tense, disappointed, or desperate for them to eat, that tension might still trigger their nervous system.

Bridge Foods and Snack Strategy

One of our favorite tricks is the use of bridge foods. These are highly preferred, low-pressure foods that help bring down the intensity of hunger just enough so other foods become accessible. Think:

• Popsicles
• Fruit
• Candy (especially gummies or chewy candy)
• Crackers
• Chips
• Favorite snacks

Bridge foods are especially helpful when kids can’t yet eat “real” meals. Use them freely. When a child eats something, that eating begets eating. Once the hunger threat subsides, their body might access other options more easily.

Let’s Talk About Diet Culture (and Why We Say No to It)

It’s impossible to talk about feeding our kids without confronting the toxic influence of diet culture. So let’s be clear: Diet culture is harmful. It tells us that thin bodies are better bodies. It teaches us to moralize food—labeling some foods as “good” and others as “bad.” And it tells parents that we’re failing if our kids eat too much sugar, don’t like vegetables, or live in a larger body.

Fat-positive activists like Dr. Sabrina Strings, Virgie Tovar, and Aubrey Gordon have shown us how deeply diet culture is rooted in racism, classism, and control—especially of women and children. It’s not about health. It’s about conformity and shame. When we absorb these messages and pass them on to our kids, even subtly, we risk creating disordered eating patterns, food anxiety, and long-term harm to their relationship with their body.

Let’s not trade one form of “problem” (a kid who only eats beige foods or lives in a bigger body) for a much deeper, more insidious problem: a child who believes their body is wrong or that food is something to fear. Research consistently shows that weight is not an accurate marker of health, and that shame is never a helpful motivator. What actually supports long-term wellbeing? Safe relationships. Joyful movement. Trust in one’s body. A peaceful, intuitive relationship with food. That’s what we’re building here.

Learn more from:

1.  Dr. Sabrina Strings: https://www.sabrinastrings.com (author of the book “Fearing the Black Body: The racial origins of fatphobia”)
2. Virgie Tovar - https://www.instagram.com/virgietovar?igsh=MXE1cncyNDZrZm4ybw== and her podcast “Rebel Eaters Club”
3. Aubrey Gordon https://www.instagram.com/yrfatfriend?igsh=c2E2Mm53ejdycHpj, author of several books on fatphobia and co-host of the podcast “Maintenance Phase”

Practical Ways to Lower the Food Demand

Here are ideas that come straight from lived experience and affirming therapy models:

1. Drop the where.

• Let them eat under the table, on the couch, in their bed, alone. 
• Being able to eat without being watched can make trying new things much easier. 
• It can help to deliver food to where they are, instead of asking them to come to the food. 

2. Drop the how.

• No utensils required. Fingers are fine.
• Hand-feed them (placing the food in their mouths) if needed. This is way more common than you think. 
• No expectation to sit upright or finish the meal.
• Screens during a meal can be hugely helpful for decreasing the demand and increasing felt safety

3. Drop the talk.

• Don’t ask what they want. Offer silently.
• Bring food in without comment. Just set it down and walk away.
• Text pictures or word options to drop the demand of face-to-face speech. 
• Hold up two options and just point, with a question on your face. No words needed. 
• Try silent shared meals or listening to music, a show, a podcast, or a book during shared meals.

4. Use grazing trays.

• Use muffin tins, tackle boxes, or large plates with many small items.
• Think: chips, crackers, apple slices, jelly beans, cucumbers, cheese cubes, pretzels, popcorn. 
• Keep the tray available so they can nibble without pressure.

5. Use visuals.

• Try a low-tech menu with photos of their safe foods.
• Try a free AAC app like SymboTalk or CoughDrop.
• Let them point or circle instead of speak.

6. Predict and prep.

• If mornings are the hardest, leave food by their bedside.
• Prep safe meals in advance and have backups on hand.
• We were able to buy McDonalds nuggets in bulk and freeze them

7. Be careful with sneaky switches.

• If you try to sneak in a new brand or ingredient, they’ll probably know, and it’s probably not worth the loss of trust. 
• At the same time, I’ve been able to mix loads of good things into their favorite foods in ways that they’re genuinely fine with (as long as I don’t force them to admit that!)

What About ARFID?

If you’ve been deep in food challenges with your child, you may have come across the term ARFID—Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. ARFID is a clinical diagnosis for people who eat very little or a very narrow range of foods, often due to sensory sensitivities, fear of choking or vomiting, past trauma, or a lack of hunger signals. It’s different from disordered eating driven by body image or weight concerns, and it shows up often in neurodivergent folks—especially autistic, ADHD, and PDA kids.

Many families raising kids with ARFID-like patterns never pursue or receive a formal diagnosis, but still benefit from understanding the overlap. ARFID is not picky eating. It’s not about willpower. It’s not a behavior problem. It’s a nervous system challenge that requires accommodation, compassion, and safety—not pressure or reward charts. Learning about ARFID can help reframe your child’s eating struggles as something valid and real—not something you caused or need to “fix.”

I love these accounts on socials for ARFID-related wisdom and teaching:

• Lauren Sharifi- @arfid.dietician https://www.instagram.com/arfid.dietitian
• The Arfid RDs - @thearfidrds https://www.instagram.com/thearfidrds
• Cassidy Arvidson - @arfidawareness https://www.instagram.com/arfidawareness

The Big Picture

Sometimes, food doesn’t get easier for a long time. Even when you drop all the demands.

Sometimes, you do everything “right,” and they still say no. That’s not your failure. That’s the nervous system saying, “I’m not ready.” When we push, we often lose trust. When we trust, we often gain safety.

• If your child only eats ice cream, they are still worthy.
• If your child refuses food you made with love, they are still worthy.
• If you cry in the kitchen because you don’t know what else to try, you are still worthy.

This isn’t a linear path. Eating begets eating, yes. But not always today.

So keep snacks nearby.

Keep your energy steady.

Trust your child’s slow, strange, beautiful path to nourishment.

And trust yourself.

You’re doing it. You really are.