A Prayer for Healing From Trauma

Shaking hands

Foggy brain

Empty mind

Endless time

Ears buzz

Throat closed

Can’t breathe

Can’t be

Creator of me,

You put in a system

To escape when things

are simply too much.

You wired my brain

to shut down,

to protect me.

I am stuck now in the shutting down.

I cannot control it or escape my escape.

Frozen in place

Stuck on a loop, brain repeating the worst

moments of my life, a loop of pain

and shut down.

I am eased in my deepest place

when I am told 

this has a name:

Trauma,

PTSD.

Creator of me, 

You led me by my shaking hands.

Creator of all, 

You have moved in creative, curious minds.

You have called therapies into existence

Your ongoing creation of the world

Your commitment to never leave or forsake.

I tap, tap, tap, tap 

free to move into deep pain

not alone anymore

never alone in the deep

I tap, tap, tap, tap

swirls of memory, new creation, 

new figures of restoration.

Like an easter egg hunt in my most painful memories

Implanted gifts, supports rise,

Dragons and water, my archetypes

my own saviors

buried in my subconscious

your gifts for my re-creation.

Re-creating

Memories

From blades of pain, awful beliefs,

To enfolding love, support, presence, grounding

I want to change the memories

I want it not to have happened.

Can’t we make it different, as we recreate my world?

Can’t we make it go away, clean the slate?

No, we can’t change the past.

My companion in the deep, 

my therapist, says sadly.

We can’t change what happened

only what we believe about it.

My beliefs hover around two nodes

Alone, trapped, I tap and tap.

Alone, trapped

Alone, trapped

Recurrent like my night sweats.

Every memory reprocessed

is my life, recreated

Your fingerprints everywhere

Clay, reformed in your hands,

Again.

Never alone.

Tap, tap, tap, tap

Now supported,

Now seen, 

Now held, 

Now cherished,

Now free,

Now strong,

Now brave.

Tap, tap, tap, tap.