A prayer for seeing my children hugFeb 25, 2022
Because I have seen so much.
Your grace surrounds even these memories
too painful to access without the tenderness of your love
fingertips gently unfolding my protections that hide these memories
Because they hurt so much.
A tiny baby, freshly home from the hospital, a third son,
deeply desired and also entirely too much to bear,
the straw that broke me.
My tender tiny someone, sleeping in a carseat
to awake screaming when a wooden car smashes his head.
Two year old brother, teeth bared like a tiger
Roaring in his face.
First words, voice squeaking, exploding out
of this tender tiny someone, directed clearly
at a certain brother
Already traumatized, already terrified,
our daily life a misery,
as we wandered without answers,
trying all the usual parenting practices
that failed us so miserably.
Contorting our children
into a funnel of anger, one to another, intensifying
until the littlest tiny someone,
absorbed the biggest impact.
You were With me
as this truth broke me:
I am unable to keep my children safe.
You were witness to my relentless desire to absorb the impact myself,
to be hurt rather than to witness any more pain.
But Jesus I am not you
my body does not redeem
I cannot absorb suffering and envelope with redemption.
My pain contorts me,
shaking hands reveal the depth of my trauma
no more Withness to offer.
You witness the breaking,
as I finally get enough help.
Co-regulation, hours, endless,
Screens, so many screens,
Your love seeping
into our newly made family of grace
beneath the fiercely cradled anger
that binds these brothers together.
Love and fear
Hate and joy
I see them slowly reaching
Tenderness newly speaking
Are you seeing
this God, my God?
my boys are smiling,
and I am now weeping,
as they are reaching,
as two broken brothers,
And we are all, healed and healing,
Enveloped in grace.
Get on the list!
Subscribe to my weekly Newsletter to get weekly lessons, motivation, and ideas delivered to your inbox.